fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
