I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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