Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize