I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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