i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
