my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
