you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We had to coat check the pizza.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
