On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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