There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
