You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
