I have demons in me.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i drank out of a bidet.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I am one with the molecules
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
