Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize