Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
