There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
