Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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