Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
