When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
