The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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