is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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