nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
