I think my fart just growled at me.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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