If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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