We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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