he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
