I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
