I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize