his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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