I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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