Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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