So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
