Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
