My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
