Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
