Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
