I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
