I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
