Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
