Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
