I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Floor bacon is actually really good
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
