i think my mom watched the whole time
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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