onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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