i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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