i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
