sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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