Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
