i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
