I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
