He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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