This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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