I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize