Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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