umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
