My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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