Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize