maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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