you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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