he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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