Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
