I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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