if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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