Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
