he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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