if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
