I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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