I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
