I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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