He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
