You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
