I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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