6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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