Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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