I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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