my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
