I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
