yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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