God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
