Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize