You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
